I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Randomize
