Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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