: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Randomize
