It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
