Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
