i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
