i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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