woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
