Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
