my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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