I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
