I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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