I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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