I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
