having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
