Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
