If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
