Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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