I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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