Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
