How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
