My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
