Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
