is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
this just has baby written all over it
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
