cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize