Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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