I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
