I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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