he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
you mean i was at the winter classic?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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