I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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