sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
