Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
