remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
