I cockslap morals
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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