Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
