I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
