I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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