I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
