Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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