Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
