Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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