It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
He uses pillows to masturbate.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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