dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
is wine microwaveable?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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