did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize