You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
