2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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