Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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