youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
