U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
