I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize