you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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