Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
