Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize