he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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