jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
