I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
