I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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