i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
